Thursday, July 15, 2010

Top 10 Stinkiest Things About Life Post Baby (Part 1)

Okay, so having a baby is fan.freakin.tastic. Their clothes are so little and cute. They smell so fresh and clean. Mostly. And they are fun little cuddle bugs. But let's be real. There are some aspects of newborn life that aren't so peachy. Thankfully they don't last. But it is good to know what to expect.

1. Nether Region: you know, down there. If you had a vaginal delivery you are going to have some swelling and soreness. TAKE the Tylenol or whatever the hospital offers you. Even if you don't think you need it right away because you are on "I just gave birth adrenaline high", when that wears off you'll be glad you popped that pill. Take them for a week (as long as you need them) once home from the hospital, too. You just pushed a watermelon through a typically "entry only" area. It does need some love. And use those spritz bottles from the hospital for a while, too. It helps heal you faster.

2. Stool Softener: Your first, umm, BM (okay fine, poop) after giving birth is quite a dramatic production. Your body kindly slows down the digestive process for you while all this birthing business is going on, so once that is finished you have some stuff more than ready to exit. But since it has been taxiing the runway, so to speak, it gets a little hard. And your bottom is sore from, I don't know, HAVING A BABY. So when they offer you a stool softener in the hospital TAKE IT. If they don't offer, ask for it!! And keep taking it for a few days. Otherwise you might break into a sweat and feel like Bigfoot is climbing out of your butt sideways. Gross, we know, but all glamour is gone at this point.

3. Leaky Boobs: So if you are planning to breastfeed/nurse, when your milk first comes in it doesn't mess around. Seriously, you look down and all of a sudden Pamela Anderson looks like a 10 year old boy. As your body adjusts over the next several weeks to when baby feeds and how much milk is REALLY needed, all that extra just kind of leaks out. Especially when you bend over in the shower to wash your legs or towel off. You'll see what we mean. And if you are out and your milk comes in, you might look like a college student in a wet t-shirt contest. So buy some breast pads. Use them and change them often throughout the day and night. After that first month you will need them less and less. Eventually you won't need them at all. Have 2 boxes in your cabinet when you come home from the hospital. You'll go through them fast at first.

4. Maxi Pads: One of the great things about being pregnant, aside from great knockers, is that you don't have to deal with "girl time". What woman gets excited about her period on a regular basis? Well, once you give birth it is payback time. As your uterus contracts, you bleed. In the hospital they give you these really sexy gauze panties and HUGE paper towel sized pads. Wear them. Steal some for when you get home. And buy a big box of maxi pads for now and a box of pantyliners for later. Your bleeding is decent for about a month, especially as you are breastfeeding and right after because breastfeeding helps to contract your uterus. After a month you can switch to a pantyliner and then soon after it will all be over with. On the same note, wear your yucky "period panties" during this time because who wants to ruin a fancy pair? You don't want your man touching you yet anyway, so busting out your most un-sexy panties is another deterrent for anything sexual.

5. Itchy Nipples: As we mentioned earlier, when your milk comes comes in. Your boobs will stretch like no body's business. And at first that stretching can cause your boobs and nipples to itch. There is not a lot you can do for that, but know that after a few weeks as your body regulates your milk flow they will drop down a few sizes and won't itch anymore. As far as your nipples go, there are a few tricks. Breast feeding is h-e-l-l- on your nipples those first 6 weeks because you have to feed so often. And they can get cracked and itchy. Before you feed, take some of that leaky milk and rub it around your nipple. Nasty, but definitely helpful. And steal a tube of lanolin from the hospital. After each feeding spread some around your nipples. It doesn't hurt the baby and it sure as heck helps you! One little tube of that will last you FOREVER.

see Part 2 for the next 5...

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